My first husband and I separated after being married almost 13 years and divorced a year later. Our sons were 4 and 10. We had spent the last 3 years, give or take, having huge fights, always in front of the kids. I especially hated that part. Divorce was mentioned frequently, but we'd put off the discussion until ';the kids weren't around.';
We'd been growing apart for a long time. He wasn't unfaithful to me, but I still couldn't trust him. No, I didn't think he was with other women, it was that I couldn't trust him to watch our kids, to act like an adult, to keep our kids safe when I wasn't there, to not eat us out of house and home, literally. He liked to spend money. He couldn't hold a job. He was fired several times. I reached the point where I knew he wasn't going to change. That he would never be someone I could rely on to be an equal partner. Not even close.
One day we had our final fight. And it was a doozy! The kids were there. Divorce was mentioned. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. We decided to separate. My older son had witnessed so much that he was more relieved than anything that it was finally over. My youngest was more confused and scared. I told them that even though mommy and daddy didn't love each other any more that we both still loved them. That wasn't going to change, no matter what. I've always believed in loving kids unconditionally, still do, and my kids always knew it.
Would I change anything? If I could have changed anything back then (1983) it would have been that he would have matured and been a responsible husband and father. I tried to get him to agree to counseling for both of us for years, but he always said no. He finally said he'd go when I'd reached the end of my rope and felt there was no hope, no going back. If only he'd said yes sooner. Things might have been different.
Since I couldn't force him to change I did the only thing possible for my kids sake and my own. I divorced him.
7 months after our divorce I met the man who became my second husband. We've been married almost 20 years. I've never been happier. Don't get me wrong, blending our families brought other problems into our lives, but we were determined to make it work. We love each other more with each passing day. He has been a super step-dad. My sons knew they could rely on him in a way they never could their real dad. My ex passed away 2 years ago. They still love him and miss him, but they harbor no illusions about the kind of man he was. They've said it on several occasions, that their dad was a good man with a good heart, he just wasn't husband or father material.
My kids have been happier, too. They still saw their dad, but not with any consistency. My second husband was even agreeable to my ex coming here to see them (staying the night in our home). At least then I knew my kids had enough to eat. When my ex and I were together our life was so unstable and we moved way too many times. I take responsibility for that. It wasn't just his fault. After we separated and divorced he continued to live that way, always moving from one place to another, never lighting in one place for more than a few months to a year. I've lived in 2 places ... 2 years in an apt. with my kids and 18 years (in one home) with my second husband.
My kids are grown now with families of their own. The eldest credits my husband's example as a step-parent with his choice to marry a woman with 4 kids.
Staying together for the kids isn't a good idea. You and your husband have to try to look at your marriage realistically. Have you both given everything you can to make it work? Are you both sure that divorce is the only solution? Have you tried marriage counseling? If you've seen a lawyer, did they ask you if you'd tried marriage counseling? Any attorney worth their salt will do that. Mine did. You need to be as sure as possible that divorce is the only answer. If there's hope for your marriage, you have to try. It won't be easy. And if you decide to try again, do it with the help of a professional marriage counselor!
God Bless!What was the cause of divorce in your marriage?
I'm sorry things happened that way in your life. I hope that doesn't mean you aren't willing to take the plunge when you meet the right guy. Just remember, falling in love is easy. Staying in love takes work, every day of your married life. God Bless!
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I have no kids, but the cause of my divorce was my ex-husband changed completely from the person I met and fell in love with, into someone I would not even want to know.
About the only thing I would change is that I would not have taken his crap as long as I did, or put as much effort into trying to save the relationship.
I've never been divorced, but we've separated 3 times. Marriage is just hard. It's the most difficult job you'll ever have. I think there's always things that both parties could've done differently. If you need to talk in more detail you can email me. My address is almostcrazee@yahoo.com. Just put DIVORCE in the subject line so I'll know it's you.
My mother got divorced because her and my father had communication problems and he refused to change. She couldn't change anything because he didn't want to. She told me and my 2 siblings after we had moved and changed schools. Its better to tell them after so they don't think the moving and changing schools was because of the divorce. She told us 2 months before the divorce would be offical. She said that they couldnt talk to each other very well and he didn't want to work anything out so they weren't going to be married anymore. I noticed something was wrong ever since I was 3 and they got a divorce when I was 11.
I am still happily married, thank you. My parents are divorced though.
He lied, cheated, stole from me. He did not take good care of our children. Finally I got tired of dealing with it and having our children always seeing me upset.
I AM NOT MARRIED, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED, AND I WILL PROBALY NEVER GET MARRIED. I AM TOOOOO SCARED OF DIVORCE TO GET MARRIED!!
well, i recently got married, but i told him that we are NOT EVER getting a divorce. till death do us part.
but i was 6 when my mom and dad divorced. my mom just flat out told me that dad's not gonna be around. don't lie, but dont' get too deep into the whole story either...
Divorce is always hard no easy way to explain to kids
she left cause I dont smoke dope and she knew I would not let her,,,,,other than that we were young and stupid
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